Emily

2 rules to eliminate your fears

I filtered the notes I took while reading Discourses to share the two rules that Epictetus repeatedly gives for eliminating anxiety and fear:

  1. Concern yourself only with what is in your control; remain indifferent to everything else.
  2. Align your will with nature. Nothing can go contrary to your wishes if you wish for things to happen the way they happen.

Plenty of self-help books say that fear runs our lives, which I would agree with. 

They say things like, stay out of your comfort zone, or do one thing a day that scares you

This is great advice, but it presupposes a critical detail: that we are aware of our fears.

This is important, I’m realizing, because some of my fears are subliminal. And how can I face a fear I don’t know I have?

Luckily, Epictetus has an answer.

If we implement the two rules above, if we keep our labeling of ‘good’ and ‘evil’ to our own choices, if we align our will with nature, wouldn’t it follow that we would have no anxiety or fear to face in the first place?

Here’s a good recent example of how my fear went undetected:

I’ve been working with a writer/research assistant for about a year now. He’s a really cool guy who works with big-name authors, and I believe in his work and message. All of our correspondence has been through email, but I’ve been wanting to meet face to face to introduce myself and speak with him less formally. He lives in another state, so to meet him I would have to take time off work and travel. After some preliminary planning, I decided next year would be better. Next year I wouldn’t be as busy.

But after reading Discourses, and mulling over the above two rules, I had an enlightening revelation: I can just ask him to hop on a Zoom call with me.

I realized that my fear—fear of rejection, fear of annoying him, fear of saying something wrong, fear of being vulnerable—had kept me from seeing the obvious. At the time, however, I didn’t think that pushing a meeting to next year had anything to do with fear. My mind rationalized that next year would simply be a better time. (Like Steven Pressfield said, “We don’t tell ourselves, ‘I’m never going to write my symphony.’ Instead we say, ‘I am going to write my symphony; I’m just going to start tomorrow.'”)

And here’s the thing: I wouldn’t have had this fear in the first place if Epictetus’s two rules for eliminating anxiety and fear were more thoroughly embedded into my way of thinking. It’s probable I would have seen the obvious from the start. (It makes me wonder what other undetected fears are holding me back.)

My revelation came when I:

  1. Limited my thinking to what I could control (ask him for 15 minutes of his time)
  2. Shrugged off the “what-if” scenarios (he can say no and that’s perfectly fine because that is not in my control, and therefore, not my concern)

Here’s how I imagine a conversation with Epictetus about my concerns would go:

What if I ask him to meet on Zoom and he says no?

What concern is that of yours?

Yeah, true. Well what if he agrees to meet but he’s secretly annoyed with me?

Let me ask you, do you control how he feels?

No.

And if he declines your request or becomes annoyed, tell me, in what way does that harm you?

It doesn’t.

Correct. If another person’s actions or thoughts had the ability to harm you, you would be right to be fearful. But, as you know, harm is only found in your own actions and thoughts. Another person’s actions or thoughts cannot harm you. Even if they throw you in prison, even if they bind you in chains, they cannot touch the divinity that exists in you: your soul, your will. Your willingness to accept fate cannot be broken, only relinquished.

But what if I say something stupid?

If by ‘say something stupid’ you mean ‘make a mistake,’ I will ask, you are human, correct?

I am.

So it follows that you are liable to make mistakes?

It does.

You see, only plants and animals mindlessly obey. The gift that separates us humans is our ability to reflect and reason. Therefore, it’s our duty to use this gift by exerting ourselves and making mistakes. Otherwise, we’d be content grazing grass all day…

But what if it doesn’t go as planned?

Haven’t you reminded yourself to align your will with nature? If you wish for things to occur how they actually occur, in what way could they not go according to your plan? Besides, what is fated to happen has already been written in the stars the moment you were born. Everything has been decided. You do, however, have free will. You are free to will yourself to accept and make proper use of fate, of what’s already been decided. That is free will. Like a dog tied to a cart: we can be dragged by fate, or we can run along with it. We can graciously stay the course—or grudgingly be kept on it.

There’s nothing to fear, nothing to calculate, and no one who can cause me harm or anxiety as long as I remember the two rules: focus on my own actions, and willingly accept everything else.

7 place to find immediate joy, according to the Stoics

The Stoics believed that cheerfulness was surface level. Real joy, they said, is deep and unseen. It’s a joy that, as Seneca put it, “Will never run dry once you’ve laid claim to its source.”

“So when people say that the Stoics are dour or depressive, they’re really missing the point,” says Ryan Holiday. “Who cares if someone is bubbly when times are good? What kind of accomplishment is that?”

And it’s not just the ancient Stoics who believed this. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Happiness does not come from the seeking, it is never ours by right.” Both Aristotle and Viktor Frankl said happiness is not pursued, it ensues. It’s in the effort we give and the principles we live by.

“Most people think peace and joy are the goals of the spiritual life,” says yogi and spiritual leader Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev. “This is a fallacy. Peace and joy are the basic requirements for a life of well-being.” Once you stop making joy the destination, he says, you can start living as “an expression of your joyfulness”.

So, if joy is not the end goal, but instead a constant outlook and a prerequisite to living the good life, how can we cultivate it right now? Is that possible? Even during the stress and busyness of everyday life?

The Stoics would say not only is it possible to have joy right now, but it’s only possible to have joy right now. It’s impossible to have joy any other time.

Here are 7 places to find immediate joy, according to the Stoics:



In This Very Moment

“No one confines his unhappiness to the present.” –Seneca

“Don’t let your imagination be crushed by life as a whole. Don’t try to picture everything bad that could possibly happen. Stick with the situation at hand, and ask, ‘Why is this so unbearable? Why can’t I endure it?’ You’ll be embarrassed to answer.” –Marcus Aurelius

The ancient Stoics were heavily involved in public life. They were rulers, politicians, teachers, slaves, spouses, parents, speakers, and writers. Marcus Aurelius, as ruler of Rome, had enormous responsibilities and pressures. He had decisions to make, administrative tasks to complete, strategies to devise, and people to manage. It never ended. How did he manage it all and still find time for philosophy?

Well…he didn’t. At least, not exactly. Philosophy wasn’t something he made time for—it was something he lived at all times. It wasn’t a hobby or passionate interest to study in his spare time, it was a way of life. He succeeded not in spite of his philosophical life, but because of it. “No role is so well-suited for philosophy than the one you’re in right now,” he told himself.

Marcus would remind himself dozens of times throughout Meditations to not worry about the future or bemoan the past. He was present. He approached each problem calmly and thoroughly, content to build his life, “action by action … and be satisfied if each one achieves its goal, as far as it can.”

He knew that at each moment, he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

The same is true for us. Be here, he repeats again and again. Be here, and be at peace.

In Practicing Proper Judgment

“Where is harm to be found? In your capacity to see it. Stop doing that and everything will be fine.” –Marcus Aurelius

“People try to get away from it all — to the country, to the beach, to the mountains. You always wish that you could too. Which is idiotic: you can get away from it anytime you like.

By going within.

Nowhere you can go is more peaceful — more free of interruptions — than your own soul.” –Marcus Aurelius

Life is a balancing act. It can be hard not to think that we need to “get away from it all” to have peace and joy. But the Stoics said this is nonsense. We don’t need a vacation or day of leisure to experience joy. We can feel it right now. In fact, there is no other time we can feel it.

But how is that possible? The world is noisy and, like us, imperfect. People are rude, we’re juggling a million things, the traffic won’t budge. How do we feel joy during all of this?

The short answer, according to the Stoics, is this: we can use our reasoning ability to put order to the chaos. No matter where we are or what’s going on around us, we can practice proper judgment.

How great is that?

We can use our reasoning ability to put order to the chaos.

Marcus Aurelius wrote about this often. He said, “Disturbance comes only from within—from our own perceptions,” that “life is opinion,” and that “the happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts”.

Epictetus said that our ability to reason separates us from men, and allows us to emulate the divine. “It’s not things that upset us, but our opinions about those things.” It takes one careless thought, one quick lapse in reason to make a bad decision or feel despair, he said.

So we must be mindful, every minute, of our perceptions. Because the way we choose to see things is the way they are. Proper use of this ability is the difference between despair and joy.

In What You Control

“Let a person shift their opinions only to what belongs in the field of their own choice, and I guarantee that person will have peace of mind, whatever is happening around them.” –Epictetus

This is the core of Stoicism: some things are in your control, some things are out of your control. Focus your efforts on the former, align your will with the latter.

Sadhguru Jaggie Vasudev is the founder of Isha, an organization dedicated to spiritual activities and boasts millions of volunteers. How does he handle the stress of leading all of those volunteers, many who are untrained, and all who are, by definition of a volunteer, unfireable? With a Stoic approach. “You won’t ever see me distressed,” he says, “because my way of being is not in any way enslaved to what’s happening outside. This is not an otherworldly achievement. It is possible for everyone to live this way.” In other words, he concerns himself only with his own thoughts and actions.

Good and evil exist only in our own thoughts and actions. Marcus Aurelius said that God (or a higher power) would never have made it so we could be harmed outside of our own reasoned choices. What incredible power! Yet we throw this power away when we let things outside of our control affect us.

“Choose not to be harmed,” Marcus reminded himself, “and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed, and you haven’t been.”

In Your Own Good Character 

“The fight for virtue is no small matter, since what is at stake is nothing less than happiness.” -Epictetus

The Stoics said your own good character is the only way to guarantee lasting joy.

You can look high and low, Marcus Aurelius reminded himself, but nowhere on earth will you find anything better than courage, self-control, justice, and wisdom.

And the best part is that no matter where you are or what you’re doing, you can always practice one of these virtues. And because you can always practice one of these virtues, nothing can prevent you from living a good life. If someone cuts you off in traffic, you can practice moderating your anger. If your plans go awry, you can practice accepting what’s outside of your control. In every situation, there is an opportunity to practice a virtue, an opportunity to live a good life.

In What You Already Have

“Any man who does not think that what he has is more than ample, is an unhappy man, even if he is the master of the whole world.” –Seneca

Who is more joyful and imperturbable: the person who desperately wants power or a new car or a bigger house, or the person who’s indifferent toward those things?

There’s a reason the Stoics spoke so much about limiting desire. They knew that desiring external things paled in comparison to not desiring them. 

This idea is echoed in both eastern and western philosophy. In Awareness, Anthony De Mello says, “There is only one reason why you’re not experiencing bliss at this present moment, and it’s because you’re thinking or focusing on what you don’t have … right now, you have everything you need to be in bliss.”

Voltaire compared a new desire to a new sadness. James Clear says happiness is “the state you enter when you no longer want to change your state.” Or, as Zen teacher Charlotte Joko Beck said, “What makes it unbearable is your mistaken belief it can be cured.”

The Stoics said a fool desires what she does not have. A wise person desires what she already has.

“Not ‘Some way to sleep with her’—but a way to stop wanting to. Not ‘some way to save my child’—but a way to lose your fear. Redirect your prayers like that,” Marcus Aurelius said, “and watch what happens.”

In Helping Others

“You must live for your neighbor, if you would live for yourself.” –Seneca

Marcus Aurelius wrote extensively about acting for the common good. Joy is found in helping others, he said. And not just when we’re asked, but proactively and without expectations. We must be like “a vine that produces grapes without looking for anything in return,” and not “make a fuss about it, [but look] forward to bearing fruit again in season.”

Eleanor Roosevelt had been dealt tragic blows in her life: the loss of her father, an unfaithful husband and rocky marriage, a troubled childhood, and much else. How was she able to not only overcome these obstacles, but also find happiness? By helping people. By doing good for others and being of service to them. This, she said, is the surest way to happiness.

“Most religions tell us to be good because God said so,” says Ryan Holiday. “Or they tell us not to be bad because God will punish us. Stoicism is different. While not incompatible with religion, it makes a different case for virtue: A person who lives selfishly will not go to hell. They will live in hell.” 

Leo Tolstoy said if you accept your role as a servant to others, “all of your bad feelings, your anxiety, alarm, uncertainty, and dissatisfaction will be changed into calmness and peace. You will be filled inside with a clear vision of your purpose, and with a great joy.”

When we help others find happiness, we find it for ourselves.

In the Next Action You Take

“Joy for human beings lies in proper human work. And proper human work consists in: acts of kindness to other human beings, disdain for the stirrings of the senses, identifying trustworthy impressions, and contemplating the natural order and all that happens in keeping with it.” –Marcus Aurelius

In Man’s Search for Meaning, Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl—whose philosophy was similar to Stoicism—says we are unhappy when we don’t have a cause to fight for, a virtue to develop, or a purpose that transcends our problems. “Life is never made unbearable by circumstances,” he says, “only by lack of meaning and purpose.”

The Stoics found joy in sober, attentive work. They found satisfaction in the effort, not the result. “If you do the job in a principled way,” Marcus Aurelius told himself, “with diligence, energy, and patience, if you keep yourself free of distractions … if you can embrace this without fear or expectation—can find fulfillment in what you’re doing now, as Nature intended—then your life will be happy. No one can prevent that.”

Don’t take the long road, Marcus Aurelius said. Everything you’re seeking is at hand, you just have to grab it.

Freedom, satisfaction, joy. All are found in the next action you take.

A few core teachings of Epictetus

This week I’ve been reading Epictetus’s Discourses again. According to the notes I made on the inside cover, I haven’t read it since August 2017—half a decade ago. That’s way too long between reads for one of the best Stoic doctrines there is.

Anyway, I’m getting so much out of re-reading it. It feels like I’m reading it for the first time. Epictetus’s teachings are central to Stoicism, but more importantly, they’re central to living the good life. Which is why I want to share…

A few core teachings of Epictetus

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where, then, do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own.” –Epictetus

The core of Stoicism is this: some things are in our control, some things are not in our control.

The things that are in our control: our thoughts and actions.

The things that are not in our control: everything else.

What other people say or do is none of our business. It’s only what we say or do that has any consequence. 

“You have to work either on your commanding-faculty or on external things,” Epictetus said. “Either the inner or the outer should be the focus of your efforts, which means adopting the role either of a philosopher or of an ordinary person.”

Below are the 3 things that, if we constantly keep in mind, will allow us to live productive, joyful lives:

1. Focusing on what is in our control (perfecting our character, doing our duty)

2. Being indifferent to things that are not in our control (fame, money, power)

3. Loving everything that happens (Not complaining when you’re sick, but loving it, because it was fated to happen. And anything fated to happen is necessary and good.)

10 things I learned, found interesting, or used this month

1. If it doesn’t cause you physical pain to not have it, you don’t need it. The Epicureans rivaled the Stoics, though they had a lot in common. Both, for instance, believed virtuous living was the key to happiness. Epicurus, the founder of Epicureanism, spoke at length about the virtue of moderation (one of the four core Stoic virtues). He said, “All desires that do not lead to physical pain if not satisfied are unnecessary.” Our nature requires little—it’s our imagination that requires a lot. For example, take eating. When we’re hungry, we feel pain. When we eat, the pain stops and our body is once again content. Now, take ice cream. When I’m craving ice cream, I’m not actually in pain. It may feel like I am, and may use that feeling to justify a Ben & Jerry’s run, but my body is just fine (better off, even) without it.

2. Pleasure occurs when we’re free of mental disturbances and anxieties. This is similar to the idea above. Epicurus said that the Epicurean “thinks it preferable to have bad luck rationally than good luck irrationally. In other words, in human action, it is better for a rational choice to be unsuccessful than for an irrational choice to succeed through the agency of chance.” The Stoic Epictetus said something similar: “Man, the rational animal, can put up with anything except what seems to him irrational; whatever is rational is tolerable.”

3. It’s very hard to fail completely. You know the Norman Vincent Peale quote, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars”? It may sound corny, but it’s true. I like how Larry Page, one of the founders of Google, put it: “Even if you fail at your ambitious thing, it’s very hard to fail completely. That’s the thing people don’t get.” Plus, landing among the stars almost always turns out better than the moon you imagined.

4. Take the shortest route—go inward. “Once it happened . . . Someone came looking for the Isha Yoga Center in southern India. They came to a nearby village and asked a local boy, ‘How far is the Isha Yoga Center?’ The boy scratched his head and said, ‘24,996 miles.’ The man was aghast. ‘What? That far?’ The boy said, ‘Yes, the way you’re going. But if you turn around, it’s just four miles.’

If you go outward, it is an endless journey. If you turn inward, it is just one moment. In that one moment, everything changes. In that one moment, you are not in pursuit of joy anymore. Instead, your life becomes an expression of your joyfulness.” -Sadhguru, Inner Engineering

5. Knowledge is the tool, not the goal. Progress is the goal. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge is pointless. We study philosophy not to look smart or win arguments, but to be a better person and live a better life. When we make knowledge, not progress, the goal, Epictetus said, “it’s as if I were to say to an athlete, ‘Show me your shoulders,’ and he responded with, ‘Have a look at my weights.’ ‘Get out of here with you and your gigantic weights!’ I’d say, ‘What I want to see isn’t the weights but how you’ve profited from using them.'”

6. The cost of cutting corners: “If you think hiring a professional is expensive, try hiring an amateur.” -Red Adair

7. If someone tells you a book has changed their life, read it.

8. Overwork is the falsest of economies. This is a paraphrase from John Steinbeck that reminds me of our limits. We can’t do everything, we can’t get it all done. Accepting this makes life sweeter.

9. Reflective thoughts are truer than everyday thoughts. As we go about our day, thoughts sometimes pop into our head seemingly out of nowhere. These thoughts can be irrational or impulsive, which can lead to feelings that are irrational or impulsive, which can lead to actions that are irrational or impulsive. This is why awareness is so important. It’s why exercising our reasoning ability is so important. It’s why journaling or meditating is so important. When we do these things, we take our brain off autopilot. We become more intentional, less prone to acting contrary to our principles. As Epictetus put it, “Very little is needed for everything to be upset and ruined, only a slight lapse in reason.”

10. Notable books I read this month: How to be Content by Horace, How to Give by Seneca, Why Buddhism Is True by Robert Wright

Zero to one and the surprising advantage of generalized knowledge

In Zero to One, Peter Thiel says he asks each potential employee this question: “What important truth do very few people agree with you on?”

The question is deceptively simple. It’s quite hard to come up with a good answer.

‘Bad answers, he says, are common ones like these:

‘Our educational system is broken and urgently needs to be fixed.

America is exceptional.’

They’re bad because most people already agree with these.

A good response would look something like this: “Most people believe in x, but the truth is the opposite of x.”

Peter says future progress will take either a horizontal or a vertical form. Horizontal progress involves copying what’s been done before (“going from 1 to n”). Vertical progress involves creating something new (“going from 0 to 1”). “If you take one typewriter and build 100, you have made horizontal progress. If you have a typewriter and build a word processor, you have made vertical progress.”

Here is his answer to his own interview question: “Most people think the future of the world will be defined by globalization, but the truth is that technology matters more.”

His explanation helped me to better understand his Zero to One theory:

“Without technological change, if China doubles its energy production over the next two decades, it will also double its air pollution. If every one of India’s hundreds of millions of households were to live the way Americans already do—using only today’s tools—the result would be environmentally catastrophic. Spreading old ways to create wealth around the world will result in devastation, not riches. In a world of scarce resources, globalization without new technology is unsustainable.”

This reminded me of another problem-solving technique I recently read about:

The Outside Advantage

In his wonderful book, Range: Why Generalist Triumph in a Specialized World, David Epstein illustrates the surprising advantage of generalized thinking. “Almost twenty years after the 1989 Exxon Valdez oil spill, thirty-two thousand gallons of oil remained stubbornly stuck along Alaska’s coast.” When oil mixes with water, it creates a sticky, peanut butter-like substance. Scott Pegau, research program manager at the Alaska-based Oil Spill Recovery Institute, turned to InnoCentive and offered $20,000 to the person with the best solution for removing this goo from the recovery barges.

Davis, a chemist, read about and pondered the oil spill cleanup challenge. His first thought was to use a chemistry-based solution to address the problem—but thought better of it, deciding it would be unwise to add more chemicals to a chemical problem.

He then thought of a distant analogy—drinking a slushy. You have to move the straw around to get the slushy out.

This reminded him of a construction job he once worked pouring concrete down a chute. The slow process allowed huge portions of the concrete to bake in the sun and harden before he could pour it. He recalled how his friend solved the problem by using a concrete vibrator to shake loose the concrete and keep it from sticking together. This was his eureka moment. He drew a diagram of a concrete vibrator attached to a barge and showed how it could easily unstick the oil, just like it had done with the concrete.

Davis presented this solution, and won the money. 

“Sometimes you just slap your head and go, ‘Well why didn’t I think of that?’” says Pegau afterward. “If it was easily solved by people within the industry, it would have been solved by people within the industry. I think it happens more often than we’d love to admit, because we tend to view things with all the information we’ve gathered in our industry, and sometimes that puts us down a path that goes into a wall. It’s hard to back up and find another path.”

Scientist Alph Bingham created Innocentive as a way for specialists to post industry-specific problems and offer rewards for solutions. The company soon discovered that the likelihood of a problem being solved increased in proportion to the diversity of the people trying to solve it. “The more likely a challenge was to appeal not just to scientists but also attorneys and dentists and mechanics, the more likely it was to be solved.”

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