We tend to think of tranquility as idleness.
We picture an undisturbed monk sitting cross-legged on a mountaintop somewhere, free from the stressors the rest of us face. Or maybe we imagine a woman doing yoga on a beach, smiling as the sun rises and the sound of the waves hush her worries and cares. Courtney likes to “joke” that if we had kids she would end up faking her own death and moving to Costa Rica. And really, all of us think this way sometimes. That we have to “get away from it all” to have some peace.
But that’s not what tranquility is. At least that’s not how the Stoics saw it.
For them, tranquility was something inside us, independent from what was going on around us. The world can go to pieces, but that doesn’t mean we have to. A barking dog doesn’t have to grate your nerves. A song can be awful…or interesting.
According to Seneca, there are two reasons why people lack tranquility: they cannot adapt and they cannot endure.
A tranquil person adapts. They know that one of the easiest ways to ease anxiety is to let go of a fixed idea of how they want things to be and instead embrace them as they are. They endure. They know that staying the course—past the pain, past the boredom, past the uncertainty—puts them in control of themselves and, therefore, calms them.
One of my favorite stories from one of my favorite books, The Obstacle is the Way (see below), is about boxer Rubin “Hurricane” Carter, who, in the mid-1960s and at the height of his career and fame, was charged with a crime he did not commit: triple homicide. The verdict: three life sentences.
Carter had entered prison with a $5,000 diamond ring, a gold watch, and a tailored suit. Now, waiting in line to be booked into the general population as an inmate, he asked to speak to someone in charge. “Looking the warden in the eye,” Ryan Holiday writes, “Carter proceeded to inform him and the guards that he was not giving up the last thing he controlled: himself.” Yes, he knew the guards were just doing their jobs, and this injustice was not their fault. And yes, he knew he would be there for some time. But he wanted to be clear: even though he was a prisoner, he would not be treated like one—because he wasn’t powerless.
Of course he was furious. Who wouldn’t be? His situation was grim, cruel, and unfair (to say the absolute least). But instead of giving into despair—something most people would have done—he poured his energy into getting out. He would not act like a prisoner just because he was in prison. He would not do what other inmates did. He would not attend parole hearings or work in the commissary to lighten his sentence.
No, every minute would be spent working towards his freedom. Every second would be for reading books—the law, philosophy, history. He refused to buy into the idea that they had ruined his life; they had just temporarily put him somewhere he didn’t want to be. He decided “he would leave prison not only a free and innocent man, but a better and improved one.”
Nineteen years and two trials later, his verdict was overturned and he walked out of prison a free man. Did he file a lawsuit? Did he seek an apology? No and no. That would have implied that something had been taken from him, that someone owed him something. “That had never been his view, even in the dark depths of solitary confinement. He had made his choice: This can’t harm me—I might not have wanted it to happen, but I decide how it will affect me. No one else has the right.”
This can’t harm me. I decide how it will affect me.
To me, this is the essence of tranquility, the serenity prayer embodied. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can…
Seneca said tranquility was the ultimate good for a human being. A tranquil person is not quick to anger. They have a clear head. They have a clear conscience. They take the right action. They are unruffled, undisturbed, unperturbed.
Further, a tranquil person will find the good in every situation. (Otherwise, they wouldn’t be tranquil.) And what more can be asked of us than to find the good in every situation, in every person?
Carter didn’t think, What if? Or Why me? Or They’ll all be sorry one day. Those thoughts would have upset his tranquility and clouded his judgment. By accepting his situation, he allowed room in his mind for better ideas to sprout, one of which bloomed into the foresight to begin a program of reading and studying, which would eventually lead to his freedom. And because his efforts were self-directed and in his control, each action propelled him forward and gave him the energy to endure.
I think of Socrates in jail in his final moments. When the prison guard brought him the glass of hemlock, Socrates apologized to him! He felt bad for his executioner, that he had such an unpleasant duty. Was Socrates afraid in his last moments? Maybe. Probably. Would it have mattered if he was? No, it wouldn’t have. He knew that fighting the inevitable was to hand over his tranquility, something no one would do on purpose.
Like Socrates, Carter had decided he would not “surrender the freedoms that were innately his: his attitude, his beliefs, his choices. . . . choices that could not be taken from him even though his physical freedom had been,” Ryan writes. “We don’t control the barriers or the people who put them there. But we control ourselves—and this is sufficient.”
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Carter’s perseverance made me think of a story I recently read from the wonderful book Big Magic (my favorite book about creativity I read this year) by Elizabeth Gilbert. Distinguished writer Richard Ford was giving a talk at a bookstore in Washington, D.C., and it was time for Q&As. A middle-aged man stood up. He said he had a lot in common with Ford: they were about the same age, they started writing short stories and novels around the same time, they had similar backgrounds, and they wrote about similar themes. The only difference is that Ford was considered a man of letters, and he, the man in the audience, had yet to be published. He told Ford that all the rejection letters had crushed his spirit. “I wonder if you have any advice for me,” the man said. “But please, sir, whatever you do, don’t tell me to persevere, because that’s the only thing people ever tell me to do, and hearing that only makes me feel worse.”
Ford told the man he was sorry for his disappointments and that he couldn’t imagine what it was like to receive so many rejection letters. Then Ford said something to the man that made the audience freeze. He told him to quit. “I say this to you only because writing is clearly bringing you no pleasure. It is only bringing you pain. Our time on earth is short and should be enjoyed. You should leave this dream behind and go find something else to do with your life. Travel, take up new hobbies, spend time with your family and friends, relax. But don’t write anymore, because it’s obviously killing you.”
The room went silent. Then Ford smiled and casually added, “However, I will say this. If you happen to discover, after a few years away from writing, that you have found nothing that takes its place in your life—nothing that fascinates you, or moves you, or inspires you to the same degree that writing once did . . . well, then, sir, I’m afraid you will have no choice but to persevere.”
Books Read This Month:
-As many of you know, Ryan Holiday’s The Obstacle is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph has been one of the biggest influences on my life. I read it a handful of times between 2016 and 2017, and uncoincidentally, it was around that time that I made major changes. The main theme, like Carter’s story above, is that inherent in every obstacle is an opportunity. More than just remaining unharmed by obstacles, we can be improved by them. Do the next most necessary thing. No one can stop you from that. So when the 10th Anniversary Edition came out, I pre-ordered it and read it immediately. It’s wild how much I get from this book every time I read it. Seriously, if you read nothing else this year, read this. And if you’ve already read it, read it again!
-Another book of Ryan’s that I finished this month is The Daily Dad. I’ve had this book on my nightstand since last year, reading a few pages every other night or so before bed.It is SO good. I’m aware that giving parenting advice when I’m not a parent myself is ridiculous, but I’m going to give it anyway: if you’re a parent, you need to read this book. You really have to. It will be one of the best things you do. Even if you’re not a parent, read it. Because parenting—as my understanding goes—is mainly about being the best version of yourself for your kids. And this book is about how to be the best version of yourself. Here’s a timely part from the January 14th passage that I highlighted: “The world needs less judgment, less bullying, fewer opinions, period. Can you start this trend at home? Can you teach your kids what that looks like, instead of letting the same old rumor mill spin round and round, grinding their goodness to dust?”
–A Night to Remember by Walter Lord is a concise, suspenseful account of the sinking of the Titanic. What makes it the definitive book on the Titanic’s sinking is that Lord had access to many survivors, a privilege that no one else had or will have again. The book starts with lookout Frederick Fleet spotting the iceberg and advising the ship to turn away. From there, you get the play-by-play from multiple vantage points of its tragic sinking. Really good.
–The Barn: The Secret History of a Murder in Mississippi by Wright Thompson. Wow, I am ashamed that I didn’t know much about Emmett Till before reading this. In Mississippi in 1955, fourteen-year-old Emmett whistled at a white woman—and was mercilessly tortured and killed for it. It’s a gut-wrenching but necessary read. Emmett had been living with his mother, Mamie, in Chicago and he asked her if he could go to Mississippi to visit family. Mamie said no. She knew how dangerous it was for Black people in the South. But Emmett begged her, and she finally relented. You can go, she told him, but you have to be careful—it’s not like it is here in Chicago. Mamie worried as she watched her son board the train bound for Mississippi. She sent away her young, excited boy, and, as Thompson puts it, what she got back was a corpse. A grisly, unrecognizable corpse. What they did to Emmett was beyond words, and at the funeral, Mamie made the choice to keep the casket open. She wanted everyone to see what hatred looked like.
-It took me 3 weeks to read the 992-page 1992 biography of Harry Truman by David McCullough…and it was worth every hour spent. Not only did I learn so much about how the government works, I learned how the press works. How lies are picked up and spread. Like how McCarthy had accused Truman’s administration of communism—a wildly unfounded claim that deeply confused and angered Truman. McCarthy, of course, had no evidence, nor was any evidence ever produced (even after an internal investigation headed by McCarthy’s own party members). But he was adamant and loud, and so most of the country began to believe him because surely no one could be that loud about something that wasn’t true. In another instance, the unhinged General MacArthur (not to be confused with McCarthy) accused Truman of firing him for “telling the truth” about Truman’s administration, sparking public sympathy for MacArthur and fury at Truman. (History really does repeat itself.) It wasn’t until later that the public realized MacArthur was just an egomaniac. Anyway, what I love about Truman—and what made the book worth reading—was his character. He was honest, cheerful, buoyant, committed to world peace and his family, and worked harder than anyone around him. He pushed for things like better education, improved housing conditions, and livable wages. Unfortunately, his plans to improve the average person’s life were repeatedly blocked by the Republican-controlled Congress, which cared mostly for the rights of big businesses. Still, Truman was able to build millions of homes through government financing, double social security benefits, desegregate the armed forces, and increase the minimum wage (to name a few things. Not to mention the formation of NATO and the United Nations). Prices were higher, but “income had risen even more.” Unemployment was almost nonexistent. Dividends on farm and corporate income were at an all-time high. Income gains, education, and standard of living were “unparalleled in American history.” Just such a great biography about one of the greatest presidents we’ve ever had.